I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
