when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
birth control should be required to get into college
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
