he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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