I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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