I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize