i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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