So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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