so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Life is so much better after having sex.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
