i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
