My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize