you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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