My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
