I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
