I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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