she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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