You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
