It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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