that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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