Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
