girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
