got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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