Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My dick has a subreddit
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
