Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
