If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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