omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
