Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
