I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
