I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
