it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
