Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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