i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Randomize
