i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
