My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
