Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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