theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Randomize
