Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
