just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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