It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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