What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
