i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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