You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
