uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Text me some of your sweat
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
