how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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