I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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