I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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