Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
