I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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