I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
