Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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