Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
