I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
