Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize