No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
