It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
