she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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