You're my little dorito
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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