just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
