Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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