After last night, I could never be a politician.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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