The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
