If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
