but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
