i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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