i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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