i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize