I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
