Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Fuck appropriateness.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm like, not good at living.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
