I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
