So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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