WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
