My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
